a Greet from Januari

Hello there, here's my 4th blog site, the continue of my lifetime stories in my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd before.. But i'll still active in my 3rd, so see u here and there!! ;)

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Thursday, July 26, 2012

...

When you're too scared to start something that you ever failed before, and all you can do is just lie to everybody even to yourself, to cover up your feeling and pretend that it's not there.

Well, that's what I do now. Even for a quite long time already, I guess. Is that wrong? Umm, honestly, I start to think it is. But, I don't know what if it's too late or not, somehow I can't remember how to express my true feeling anymore. Maybe it's because I've been hiding it for so long, that makes me a good pretender, which is bad for a character. Nobody likes a pretender, so do I. And now I become one of it. Someone that I don't like.

Years ago, I used to think that it's good to have an ability to pretend. I mean, sometimes we have to hide something from someone for a positive reason, like protecting their heart and feeling from something that might hurt them. But as time goes by, I become good at it and start to use it for my self. Pretending not only to protect someone's heart but also for my own. Is that bad? I don't know. All I know is just that now I kinda feel a bit like a liar, a step ahead than a pretender to me. Why? Because I keep lying even when I have to be honest. Even when I really want to be honest. It's like I've lost my capability to say the truth, especially to show my true feeling. So, am I a liar now? I hope I'm not.

2 comments:

Ricademus said...

Not enough details to offer an opinion about this, but I wouldn't judge you anyway. I trust you're only doing what you felt was right at the time. That's the best anyone can do.

ceritajanuari said...

@ Ricademus

Hello there.. I know it's quite hard to understand this one, because it's also complicated for me to explain in words. But as always, thank you for never stop supporting in every situation! :)

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xo. Januari

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