a Greet from Januari

Hello there, here's my 4th blog site, the continue of my lifetime stories in my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd before.. But i'll still active in my 3rd, so see u here and there!! ;)

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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Wake Up Call for the Dreamer; School for a Lifetime

Jakarta, August 28th 2012.

Now I understand why God put him into my life these years. He came to teach me the courage to love again and how it feels to be loved in the right way. But now he has completed the task. God loves him, that's why He doesn't let him continue to suffer by taking care of me anymore. School is over now.

This is my sorry to him. I'm sorry he had to know a person with a complicated heart and mind like me in his life. I really am sorry for that. I wish God will reward him with His best gift for this. I believe He will.

(I wrote that part above yesterday, when I was at a parking lot, right before I get out of the car to find something to eat in the mall. That thought suddenly crossed in my mind when I was driving, as usual. Never knew that I'll got a call from him an hour after.)

He's right, my mind is too shallow. I was the most selfish person in the world.

Yesterday was the first time I heard him angry. After years he was never angry to me, yesterday it finally happened. Shocked, but relieved. I deserve to get that anger for a long time.

Suddenly I can only keep quiet and didn't say anything anymore, after a few minutes earlier we had talked. Not because of angry, but because he was right and I knew I was wrong. And there was a little fear when I heard him angry to me.

At that time, in a center of the mall, my move suddenly stopped, my legs trembled. Right after he hung up the phone, I rushed into a coffee shop for a less crowded place so that people couldn't see me cry. Surprisingly, it turns out I still have tears, just like a normal human being.

Well, maybe that was a part of the test. To prove that my heart still able to work normally. Been a month I could no longer cry, until yesterday. There was pain but I can't shed a tear. Therefore, can cried again yesterday, I felt a little more human. Although for the reason that I'm still confused. Between regret, guilt and fear. I think all of it.

The school is actually not over. It is for the teacher, but not for me as the student. Will never..

x.o. Januari

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Welcome Back Dear Daydreamer

Looking at the mirror. Saying it to my self.
I found my self smiling there. "Let's back to who you are! Just the way you are!" I shouted to the smiling woman in the mirror. Welcome back dear daydreamer..

I used to be a heavy daydreamer, few years ago. Play with my mind, let it free to brought me to any kind of world that nobody understand but me. It's always been fun, I remember. But I tried to stop when I step to twenty something. That time I found life getting tough, and it needs me to be more serious. No more daydreaming. But I was wrong..

I don't like my self with the serious thingy. I lost my world that I used to love. In a serious life, I'm totally a boring person. I guess it will be so much people agree with me about that. I used to make my friends laugh anytime they're with me few years ago. Now? We're talking too much! About heavy boring serious thing. We still laugh, but not much.

I used to be a silly girl, I know. And I love it. I don't know why I forced my self to changed. Maybe this is what people called "quater life crisis." Well, I don't care! All I care now is, I love my self as a daydreamer! I love being silly! I don't wanna die as a boring person anyway. Who want it? Suposed to be nobody, aight?

I know it's not about being silly or serious person what matter. It's just about being your self. Being me, the truly me, my self. So, maybe the true me is that silly daydreamer girl? Umm.. Ok, woman now. So.. Why so serious? :)

x.o. Januari

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Pursuit of Love in a Paper Boat

Decided to take the car key, driving somewhere to catch a movie, alone.

It happened in a sudden. When I was lying on my bed this afternoon, suddenly I feel like to go. I'm still sick, my gums are swollen, my throat is still sore, I still can not talk. That's why I'd better go alone.

This movie is based on a novel that I love the most. One of complicated love story, yet still it's loveable. Unique personality in each character. Different, but complementary to each other. The title of the movie is "Perahu Kertas". It's a "paper boat" in english. Happy to find that the movie didn't make me disappointed. The story is still in line with the novel. Players simply represent the characters in my head while reading the novel. Quite satisfactory to me! :)

There's one more thing that completes my happiness tonight. After finished watching the movie, I accidentally met a friend. One of my best friend. We had spent a couple of hours to chat (of course with my limited ability to speak) over drinks in one of the coffee shop in the same mall with a movie theater where I watch the movie. Oh, I'm so happy! This is a bonus for me from God. Thank You, dear Lord! :*

I chose the cinema with the furthest distance from my house. So I have more time to drive. Spend time alone with my thoughts. Sometimes a little sing along with the song on the radio. When I went home, it was already night, the roads were pretty deserted. I'm free to step on the gas up to the maximum, no one protests or blocking my way. It was fun!

I love tonight! 

x.o. Januari

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Today's lesson: Positive faith

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Lord, Love and Gratitude

Yesterday, I got a call. From someone that could make me happy even just to hear his voice, but last night he made me couldn't be happier, when he called just to tell me something that I never heard before from anybody else as a reaction to one of my (used to be a secret) histories. Feelings of being defended, cared for, and given a sense of security. I can feel it all, finally. Although maybe that was only for last night, but I'm happy. That's enough to prove to myself that good men still exist in the world I live in today. I believe.

What should I say again to Lord now? Besides, "thank You for each and every second I had in my life"? He gave me, He tolerate me, He forgave me, so much, in everything. After many complaints from me that He got for years of my life. Oh Lord, I love You.

What has happened over a period of a month, has become a trigger for me to know about something. That God was telling the meaning of every thing I've experienced before. Now I understand. His plan was never bad, His plan was never wrong. There's always intention and purposes in everything. I just have to be patiently wait. Because just like my sister said, "God is never too late, God is never in a hurry, God is always on time."

Well, I don't know how to describe it well in words. But, this is one of my gratitude for Lord and life He put me in. I should've done this since a long time ago. But as a wise man said, "It is never too late to become a better person." right?

Thank You, dear Lord.

x.o. Januari

Friday, August 17, 2012

Today's lesson: Learn from the stars

Thursday, August 16, 2012

sweet weirdness

I never knew it before, that somehow missing someone could be an enjoyable feeling.

x.o. Januari

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Ingredients of love, right from the kitchen.

It's always good to have a "kitchen conversation" with mom.
Yes, it's the conversation that held in the kitchen, but we're totally not talking about food. It's a non-fat conversation! ;)

Helping mom with the cooking thing always been one of the best time to talk about something serious but in a "chill" way. Such as? Love life?! Ah, that's her favorite topic, of course! Knowing about her daughter's feeling and how to handle it, are her expertise.

Since I was a lil, I've been given so many wise advices from my mom. So, that what makes me quite good about the theory thingy, I guess. But at doing it? Gimme a break! You definitely know how many time I failed, right? *start counting* Umm..not so bad! But, very very bad! Hahaha *knock on wood*

Well, by mom's opinion, failures that has happened, was kinda school of life to me. I should learn from it, and make it better in the future. Both, my life and my self.
"Stop covering your heart, dear..", mom said. "People deserve to know what you feel.. Covering it only gonna torture not only people you love but also your self..", she continue. That's her advice few weeks ago.

Yes, mom always right. And today, we had another kitchen conversation in the middle of cookie making. I told her, "Mom, he called me last night. I told him my feeling. I feel so much better now. No matter what happen next, at least I did the confession, and I feel relief."
"Good, dear.. You both are not a kid anymore.. As a mature one, there's no feeling need to hide.. And the most important thing is, don't hurt anyone..", mom replied.

Advices accepted!
See? That's why I always love my mom and our kitchen conversation! ♥

I love you mama! :*

x.o. Januari

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Baby talk, baby walk.

Talking about the idea of having a baby..

Four women and a lil baby girl surrounding the cafe table, that evening in Bandung.

We were friends in college. Haven't had time to meet again for more than a year, a few days ago we finally meet. The cute baby girl between us, is the daughter of one of my friends there. Yes, one of us is already become a mom now! :) What a time!

Time flies! More than a year ago, we used to talk about how to finish our school and reach our degree immediately, next party to attend, clothes, shoes and such! Now? Put your head down on the floor, and your feet up in the air! Ya, that's how it is!

It's quite magical how the presence of a baby in between us could changed everything! She became the center of attention, as well as a hot topic of our conversation through the night. No more party talk! Cute, isn't it? Hohoho I guess we're officially a woman to our self now.

Woman dressed in blue and white stripes is the mother of the baby. She became a kind of speakers at our meeting that night. Receiving questions from us about how it feels to be a mother and wife. Especially from my friend who wore a pink shirt, because she was engaged, and will be married next year, which is only few months from now. Thinking about the existence of new babies between us in the years ahead, Oh, I could feel the blood rushing in my vein! That will be so exciting! It's like we're gonna have a new atmosphere everytime we meet in every year. Amazing!

Back to the topic, about having a baby, become a mom and a wife in the family. She said that it feels wonderful. Having a baby is like having a stress healer for your own, and also a reason to have no reason to fight with the husband. Because they've no time for things like that. Because they have the baby that gives no room for the negativity to get the attention. Baby fills up their days, baby brings happiness! Wow! (me: speechless)

After receiving the statement, the three of us have no more questions. Statement from her was enough to make us unable to say anything more. Supported by a convincing tone and happiness that clearly seen in her face. She even tried to convince us to get married and have a baby! Quirky moment, yet beautiful. Yes, it always been beautiful to see happiness right in front of my eyes. In the hope that the happiness will be contagious right away to me! AMEN! 

After that? Playing with the baby time!
I think we should do this quite often, so this positive aura can continue to appear. :)

Good night love! :*

x.o. Januari

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

in the end, heart will find its way.

Packed my things and brought my self back home. 
For a while..

That day, I followed my heart. After so long I never let my heart decide, that day I did. How many years since I never listen to my own heart anymore? You tell me!

That day, was my third week living in Jakarta. City that I always been dreaming of to work. I got a job, I leave my hometown. But that day, I quit my job, I followed my heart.

Quit from my job and leaving Jakarta doesn't mean I'll be back and live in my hometown again for forever. I'll still work there, and live my own life back in Jakarta someday, soon, or even sooner. Just not today, because it's now my heart's turn to decide.

Yes, I just want to follow my heart again, after years I neglected its voices, its screams, let it burried deep in the darkest corner in my body and abandoned. I thought I was protecting it when in fact I've treated it like a prisoner. It's a welcome back and sorry to my heart now.

Foot in my hometown. Coming back home as a storyteller to my mom, about my quick surprise in life and my lost of love that happened in a short time when I was away from her. She wasn't surprised. She knows me best. Her awkward peculiar silly daughter that needs nothing but her warm hug and best support. I love her most.

Driving down town, my best way to escape, my very best moment to think clearly about everything. Behind the wheel, I had a silent private conversation with my heart again, like for the very first time. It told me: I miss him. The one that I know has had a better life now, without me the annoying woman dancing in his mind and complicate his heart anymore. I'd be happy to know that he feels better without me now. Eventhough I won't lie, that I really miss to be a part of his life, dancing in his mind and heart. Because until this very moment, he still dancing in mine, and I don't mind. I will no longer fight what is perceived by the heart.

Be able to listen and follow my heart again, I feel happier. Like a free soul without border to limit my self in expressing anything. A peace in mind, after get my self out of my misguided thought. This is my turning point, this is my way back into the heart I left before. This is my zero point to start everything, in the same direction with the heart feeling.

Welcome heart, please be my guide! :)

x.o. Januari

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

a Day for a Lifetime

Some people say, "God works in a mysterious way". Indeed, with His mysterious plan and objectives, I'm sure.

What to believe
I have to admit that lately I was in my low phase. Maybe one of my lowest. But somehow I still believe that this is a part of His plan, this is one of His mysterious ways, and He has the mysterious objective for me over it. I just haven't knew it yet. All I know is it must be beautiful. Because Lord never plans anything bad for us, aight? Stick to those faith, then till now I stand.

The Situation
I never imagine it before, that I'll be in this kind of situation on a state of a life. A super huge guilty feeling and regret that keep haunting me inside makes me weak enough, and the feeling of losing someone I love make it even more. I did a big mistake, I've hurt someone I love, and the feeling after it now is the punishment for me. I deserve it, I know.
My wants is to fix it of course, but not with the situation. As we know in a real life we will never could set the time backwards. There's no repeat. I have to go on, whether I like it or not. That's the deal since I was born on earth. No other option, just face it Mochie!

What's left
A hope, to be forgiven. An expectation, to get a miracle in a package of feeling called love by someone that I'll never let to be disappointed again anymore. Ya, I'm expecting now. I guess it's better than hiding behind my fear. Because it's proven to me now, that a disappointment after an expectation way way much better than a regret after a stupid fear, isn't it? I just have to learn how to manage that from now on.

The reason
Maybe this is one of the biggest mistake I ever did. Let someone down and stop loving me at the same time and in a very short time, was something I never did before. Like a bomb that could ruin everything even in a second. The bomb here was my fear, my doubt, my insecurity. And it was a high exploded one. Because it contains of my history, his, and ours. The his lifestyle thing, the someone after me, the broken promises, the surprising hangover confessions, the women around him thing. That all been filling up my head, blended into a doubt, mixed into a fear, for a quite long time. I trusted him once, fully, more than a year ago. And I was trying to built my trust again after it, but when I'm about to get it back for him, I lost his for me now. Not only his trust, but also his feeling for me. What a bomb, huh!? Ya, I've destroyed everything.

Lesson learned
One thing that he taught me from all of this, that fear is ultimately only going to make me lose what and who I love. Losing him is one of the biggest proof. I should have thanked him for the lesson, and sorry for the stupid mistakes I made.

Back to You
It hurts, I have to admit. But again, I deserve it anyway. Everybody knew that it's impossible to built any relationship without trust. If it was me before, now it's his turn. No trust, no relationship. All I have to do now is only get back to the what to believe. To Lord and His mysterousity.
Hoping for him to come back wouldn't be a sin, but when it comes to be the other way around, I have to be ready. Yes, now I'm ready for everything. For whoever to come, I give it back to Heaven's hand. What to prepared now, is only to open up my self and heart for love that sent by God to come. Leave the fear, doubt, and insecurity. Only love is allowed to be welcomed and accepted. Dear Lord, I'm ready..

image source: http://weheartit.com/

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