Some people say, "God works in a mysterious way". Indeed, with His mysterious plan and objectives, I'm sure.
What to believe
I have to admit that lately I was in my low phase. Maybe one of my lowest. But somehow I still believe that this is a part of His plan, this is one of His mysterious ways, and He has the mysterious objective for me over it. I just haven't knew it yet. All I know is it must be beautiful. Because Lord never plans anything bad for us, aight? Stick to those faith, then till now I stand.
I never imagine it before, that I'll be in this kind of situation on a state of a life. A super huge guilty feeling and regret that keep haunting me inside makes me weak enough, and the feeling of losing someone I love make it even more. I did a big mistake, I've hurt someone I love, and the feeling after it now is the punishment for me. I deserve it, I know.
My wants is to fix it of course, but not with the situation. As we know in a real life we will never could set the time backwards. There's no repeat. I have to go on, whether I like it or not. That's the deal since I was born on earth. No other option, just face it Mochie!
A hope, to be forgiven. An expectation, to get a miracle in a package of feeling called love by someone that I'll never let to be disappointed again anymore. Ya, I'm expecting now. I guess it's better than hiding behind my fear. Because it's proven to me now, that a disappointment after an expectation way way much better than a regret after a stupid fear, isn't it? I just have to learn how to manage that from now on.
Maybe this is one of the biggest mistake I ever did. Let someone down and stop loving me at the same time and in a very short time, was something I never did before. Like a bomb that could ruin everything even in a second. The bomb here was my fear, my doubt, my insecurity. And it was a high exploded one. Because it contains of my history, his, and ours. The his lifestyle thing, the someone after me, the broken promises, the surprising hangover confessions, the women around him thing. That all been filling up my head, blended into a doubt, mixed into a fear, for a quite long time. I trusted him once, fully, more than a year ago. And I was trying to built my trust again after it, but when I'm about to get it back for him, I lost his for me now. Not only his trust, but also his feeling for me. What a bomb, huh!? Ya, I've destroyed everything.
One thing that he taught me from all of this, that fear is ultimately only going to make me lose what and who I love. Losing him is one of the biggest proof. I should have thanked him for the lesson, and sorry for the stupid mistakes I made.
Back to You
It hurts, I have to admit. But again, I deserve it anyway. Everybody knew that it's impossible to built any relationship without trust. If it was me before, now it's his turn. No trust, no relationship. All I have to do now is only get back to the what to believe. To Lord and His mysterousity.
Hoping for him to come back wouldn't be a sin, but when it comes to be the other way around, I have to be ready. Yes, now I'm ready for everything. For whoever to come, I give it back to Heaven's hand. What to prepared now, is only to open up my self and heart for love that sent by God to come. Leave the fear, doubt, and insecurity. Only love is allowed to be welcomed and accepted. Dear Lord, I'm ready..
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