Jakarta, August 28th 2012.
Now I understand why God put him into my life these years. He came to teach me the courage to love again and how it feels to be loved in the right way. But now he has completed the task. God loves him, that's why He doesn't let him continue to suffer by taking care of me anymore. School is over now.
This is my sorry to him. I'm sorry he had to know a person with a complicated heart and mind like me in his life. I really am sorry for that. I wish God will reward him with His best gift for this. I believe He will.
(I wrote that part above yesterday, when I was at a parking lot, right before I get out of the car to find something to eat in the mall. That thought suddenly crossed in my mind when I was driving, as usual. Never knew that I'll got a call from him an hour after.)
He's right, my mind is too shallow. I was the most selfish person in the world.
Yesterday was the first time I heard him angry. After years he was never angry to me, yesterday it finally happened. Shocked, but relieved. I deserve to get that anger for a long time.
Suddenly I can only keep quiet and didn't say anything anymore, after a few minutes earlier we had talked. Not because of angry, but because he was right and I knew I was wrong. And there was a little fear when I heard him angry to me.
At that time, in a center of the mall, my move suddenly stopped, my legs trembled. Right after he hung up the phone, I rushed into a coffee shop for a less crowded place so that people couldn't see me cry. Surprisingly, it turns out I still have tears, just like a normal human being.
Well, maybe that was a part of the test. To prove that my heart still able to work normally. Been a month I could no longer cry, until yesterday. There was pain but I can't shed a tear. Therefore, can cried again yesterday, I felt a little more human. Although for the reason that I'm still confused. Between regret, guilt and fear. I think all of it.
The school is actually not over. It is for the teacher, but not for me as the student. Will never..